Future Space

Let’s dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don’t have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music’s for the sad men
Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders we’re getting in tune
The music’s played by the madman.

Forever Young – Alphaville

Last night I went to a birthday party. I went equipped with my small talk conversation starters. “How do you know Vanessa?”, “So which rugby team do you think will win today?” etc. Unfortunately all the people were either at least twenty years older or younger than me. The only person who was my age was JW, who had been roped in to do the music and I wound up chatting to him.

We talked about music and movies “Have you seen The Legends of the Guardians?”,”So what do you think of the latest Parlotones song?”.

Inevitably, he turned the conversation to how lonely he is and before long he was crying again. He doesn’t understand that we can’t go back to the undoubtedly good times we had.

I was a different person then and my motivations have changed. I need quality of life now, to engage my brain and to focus on bringing  Jesse up to be a well rounded human being, not insecurity, empty excitement, tatty discourses and late night parties.

I have found the emotional space and serenity to engage cognitively with a world of my own making. I want to surround us with successful, interesting people, have constructive conversations and explore exciting ideas. I don’t want to talk about how badly people injured themselves doing extreme sports, how close he got to capsizing the boat, share sick, scatological jokes or discuss who got the drunkest last weekend.

JW doesn’t build, he harks back to past times and tries to recreate them. He thinks it would be a good idea for us to sleep together again, because we were so good. He’s trying the recapture the depth of love and happiness we had, but I am in a different space where there will be new joys and memories.

He tried to kiss me in the car park when I left early. Then he dropped a clunker, “use it before you lose it”. Is that the new pick up line in your forties?

There are some times when it would be nice to borrow the old feelings and experiences, but I know that I am not emotionally equipped to go back there, no matter how tempting. I have spent too much time healing and moving forward. Just because I haven’t finished my journey doesn’t mean I am not going to.

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Tags: Alcohol, Alcoholic ex husband, anxiety, Home, Jelly Tottot, Jellytottot, Love, memories, sex, survivor